Coming into this discussion 5 years late...but...love at least having a place to say (vent?) my piece. I just watched 'Tracks of my Tears' for the FIRST time ALL the way through since it aired. I was so hurt/angry/confused after it first aired that I could just never bring myself to watch the whole thing with Maddie on the train with this other man...and then there's the ending. yuk!
So anyway, I decided to finally watch it again taking all of my personal emotions out of it. I was determined to just watch and listen, unbiased. And I have to say I had an A-HA moment (mostly about Maddie's POV of the situation and how she was feeling at the time.) while doing this...and I haven't seen it discussed in this section of the forum yet!
Yes, we know Maddie is scared, stuck, can't make a decision and feels her life is out of control so she runs and hides, etc. We also know that she is afraid a domesticated David will be a dull David. But I think the key answer and pivotal scene in this episode as to why she can't make a decision is Maddie's conversation with Walter Bishop right after he wakes her from her nightmare.
<<and can I just say if you watch Cybill in this scene you see some GREAT acting. We always talk about Bruce being able to say 1000 words with his face in 20 frames at the end of BOB, well I think Cybill's face, emotions and words match all that praise and more (with tears spilling from her eyes)>>
Anyway, back to the scene. Starting when Maddie says:
Maddie: Walter, I lied to you, about my wonderful husband David. There is a David, but he's not my husband. Besides, the truth is, well, I haven't told the truth to anyone, not even to myself. The truth is, I'm afraid that the nightmare isn't going to end. (she wakes up screaming I can't stop it! - even though she has the controls she can't stop the moving train.) -- so she's afraid that once she gets back to LA she'll still feel out of control and not be able to decide what to do.
Walter: So, what are you saying, your life is a nightmare?
Maddie: I ran away from everything, and back in Chicago I thought it was controllable, but it isn't. It's just a mess. (and it IS a mess. This woman who thrives on control had unprotected sex with two men, in less than a week. She chose one man (kinda) but the baby is the others (she thinks). She's not in a place to be committed to either one of them and her business and livelihood are all tied to this emotional situation with David, with seemingly no escape, such a mess!)
Walter: You couldn't be wrong?
Maddie: The closer I get to LA, the more I want to turn around and go back in the other direction.
Walter: Ok, so you have this wonderful husband David, who isn't your husband, is he wonderful at least, does he want you?
Maddie. Yes. (I love that this answer is so simple.) ;D
Walter: Well, what's the problem?
Maddie: I'm not sure I want him. I mean, I want him
. I just can't stand him. He's lewd and loud and careless and overbearing, but that's partly why I love him, you know?
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I just think this scene is the core of the episode:
a) David loves and wants Maddie and she knows it (plain and simple, I love that)
b) She loves him, but can't stand him. (Not ready for the commitment of marriage and babies with him but being thrown into it -- how will she spend the rest of her life with someone who drives her crazy?)
c) IMO - she honestly believes that the baby is not his in this scene (because the Dr. estimated the date of conception) and she's dreading telling David. Look at her when she talks about this, tears brimming in her eyes - it's so honest. (side note: I do believe in her heart that she knows the baby is David's which is why she can not look him in the eye when she says she's "certain' it's not his.")
d) She describes David as 'overbearing' - I think she's afraid when she gets to LA he is just going to 'whirlwind' her into everything she's not sure she wants (moving in together, marrying him, raising the baby together - he's so good at talking her into everything) - and as she says...SHE'S NOT SURE SHE WANTS HIM!!
Maddie is so, so sweet throughout this entire episode. Until she gets into her office with David. He's trying not to, but he starts pushing her buttons right away. She even tells him she wants/needs to talk to him, but not now, she needs time to adjust to being home.....he can't hear that (understandably) - she's terrified (and embarrassed I think) to tell him she married someone else (I believe solely to avoid or at least hold off his whirlwind).
I am certain she pictured breaking all of the crazy news to David about her marriage and the baby not being his in a different way (maybe something similar to how she told Walter) - but I think he was being a little pushy when she first got to the office (again, understandable, just looking from Maddie's prospective here) and she snapped and pushed him back with all her hurtful words.
At the end of the day...although Maddie wanted David sexually (as she told Walter "I mean, I
want him..." and loved the side of him that was careless, loud and lewd, because he brought fun and spontaneity into her life ...but did she REALLY - REALLY - want to be with him??? (I know WE all WANTED her to want him, because of course we all wanted them together) - But is being with David forever what Maddie really wanted? (we know it's what David wanted.)
After analyzing this episode I'm not convinced that marrying David was really what Maddie wanted. (I think Bruce Willis even said that he thought David loved Maddie -- but wasn't really sure Maddie loved David.) I'm kinda in this camp - she loved him...but not the "til death do we part...." kinda love.
. And she was terrified of being pulled into a marriage with him and then not being happy (I mean, let's be honest, she wasn't even happy when they were just dating:(.
Anyway, that's my take on it - just wanted to bring up that scene with Maddie and Walter because I think we get some truth there and it helps show her true feelings about the situation compared to how she reacted to David.
Could go on and on all day about this stuff.
Hope some of this makes sense!